My (deep) thoughts on social media, my usage, and why I’m rejoining after three and a half years

It’s about bloody time.

I’ve been off of social media for 3 and a half years. I stopped using it near the end of my final year of university in 2019, around May/June. And now I’m rejoining, but not in the same way I used it before I quit – and I’ll share exactly how and why.

But first, I wanted to share my thoughts on social media in general and why I quit. This is going to be quite an introspective, long, and in-depth piece, so buckle up. I’ll try and summarise everything at the end for those who are only mildly interested and want to skip.

So without further ado, let’s get into it.

My top-level thoughts on social media

I hate social media.

At least, that’s what I’ve believed for the past 4+ years.

Which, funnily enough, lines up with my personality shift and the start of my self-improvement journey. Coincidence, eh? Probably not.

See, self-improvement is toxic. I’m starting to realise this. It was a crutch I used for far too long to avoid self-acceptance and other things I was afraid of – like getting better with women, or recognising that perhaps I’m not going to do anything massively worth remembering with my life. Scary stuff, I know.

It was a necessary crutch, for sure, one that I relied on heavily in my ‘recovery’ process of developing a personality and becoming my own person. And yet because it was such an integral part of that recovery, I was resistant to giving it up. I’d learned to walk with a crutch, and even when fully healed, I still used it to help me walk.

Now, how does this relate to social media?

Part of the larger self-improvement ‘brainwashing’ that I underwent included indoctrinating myself to believe that social media was bad. It’s a time waster, interrupts focus and productivity, lowers your attention span, and causes depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, addiction, unhealthy comparisons and a whole slew of other mental health issues. It discourages real-life connection and is an excuse to not reach out to those you care about. No bueno.

That was what I believed, and if you have any knowledge of the self-help space, you can see why. I still do believe this, to an extent; the mental health stuff certainly. The other stuff I’m starting to loosen from and try to spin towards positive reasons. After all, if it was so bad, why would literally everyone be using it – and so often? Which is the point I’m trying to make – there have to be benefits of social media that outweigh all of that bad, right?

I never really liked social media before I quit anyway, so it was very easy to use these ‘teachings’ to affirm previous ideas and give me a reason to quit.

I never really felt like I fit in. I was only using social media because other people were. Worse, there were/are so many different platforms that required checking, constantly demanding attention for little to no tangible reward. And most of the time, the updates you get on people’s lives (most of which you’ve only had fleeting interactions with) have minimal to no impact on your life.

I didn’t like the obsessive idea of how many likes, comments, follows, or whatever other bullshit that’s being measured these days made you feel – particularly as a dude that struggled socially, was (and still kinda is) camera-shy, who valued other people over himself, did things just to fit in… you get the picture.

I didn’t like sharing my life because I didn’t feel it was interesting enough to share. Why would anyone be interested in me? I had an unhealthy mindset that valued other people over myself, a mindset of neediness – valuing others’ perceptions of me over my own view of myself. How fucked up is that? The scary thing is, countless people also suffer from this.

Then there’s the obligation that if someone follows you, or likes your post, you have to follow and like back. The feeling that because you’re friends with someone, you have to like the things they share and engage with their posts.

And sure, it’s good moral support – but for what, a vanity metric? I believe one of the causes of some of the mental health issues caused by social media is the tying of one’s identity to one’s social media ‘success’. Valuing oneself based on the number of followers or likes one gets.

From a deeper perspective, is that really something you want to encourage – effectively supporting the idea that likes and follows are more than just numbers on a screen? And yet, at the same time, by not doing so, you could genuinely be putting someone’s mental health on the line. I don’t know. It’s partially why I’m writing this post, to explain my thoughts and what will be my new approach to social media, in the hope that maybe it can help or provide some clarity.

Anyway, I’m now coming to the realisation that if you can’t beat them, join them. And that what I previously believed about social media isn’t in fact the point of it (or, at least not the right point – more on that shortly).

Social media isn’t going anywhere, whether I like it or not. Society at large is becoming more and more intertwined with our digital lives. And through having no online social media presence, I effectively ostracise myself. I become a digital ghost, someone who is difficult to connect with. I can’t tell you how many connections I could have made, how many friendships, relationships, or business opportunities I’ve potentially lost simply because I replied “I’m not on social media”.

Sure, people briefly respect that. Most find it interesting at least. And then they move on – leaving any possible future with me behind.

Rather than continuing with this approach, I’ve got an idea of what would be a win-win; having social media accounts but, when asked for them, saying something like “I don’t really use it for anything other than posting or messaging”.

This means that a connection can still form and you have the temporary interest or respect that you’d get from not having any accounts. That’s applicable when you entertain the idea that you’re doing it for the respect or interest of others.

I say that because I think not having social media was a point of pride for me. Much like a lot of the other things that self-improvement brought out in me, like waking up super early or always having a side-hustle or wearing the same t-shirt every day. It became such a core part of my personality and identity – built on the idea of being ‘better’ – that I took pride in it.

Not using social media made me feel better than others. That’s the cold, hard truth.

The same is true for many of the other self-improvement traits I built.

It may not be healthy, but it’s what I needed to grow. For my entire life before changing, I’d felt less-than, felt that others were better than me, that I was never enough. A small part of me still feels like that.

And so I simply over-compensated by becoming so ‘good’ at life that I was, ‘objectively’ (so I thought; read ‘subjectively’), better than other people.

It’s a struggle I’m beginning to realise and an issue I have begun to work on. The issue of re-adjusting and accepting my past self, prior to my development, and recognising that everyone is equal and should be treated equally.

Trouble is, my new identity was literally built on the idea of being better. Which causes many problems, too many to go into on a post about social media, and it’s precisely those problems that I’m trying to solve by rejoining social media.

Phew, let’s take a deep breath… I really didn’t expect this post to go so deep into my psyche, but here we are. Let’s get back to social media.

The point of social media

The way I see it, the point of social media is to give people an insight into your life at a brief(ish) glance. It’s publicly sharing the things that are happening in your life. Viewing social media in a macro-focused way, rather than the micro of a person’s daily life, has benefits. It fosters connection and allows you to keep up with other people’s lives, should you want to, without having to be constantly using and searching for updates.

Sure, it’s kinda like digital stalking – but who hasn’t ‘stalked’ someone on social media?

I understand that’s not how most people will use it. And that’s fine. A belief and mindset I’m trying to form is that I don’t have to help people live better lives. People can live how they like – it’s their life to live, after all. It may sound crazy, but it’s a really tricky one for me.

My personal obsession with optimisation and self-improvement formed an almost self-righteous belief that I’m better than other people. I unconsciously scorn people who aren’t living better lives, who have self-destructive behaviours, or who, for instance, use social media. It’s fucked up; a symptom of the massive change and ‘improvement’ I’ve personally been through. If I can do it, why can’t they? Why don’t they? Why can’t they just see the damage <insert thing here> is causing?

And so I have to catch myself. I have to tell myself that people are allowed to make their own decisions, people are allowed to live however they choose to live – for better or for worse.

If someone wants help with something, or if they want to change or get better, they’ll act on it. They’ll search the internet or reach out for advice. Improvement is not something you can impose upon someone; this is something I’m trying to internalise.

So, to return that tangent back to the point… social media does not have to be about the usage itself, nor does it have to be used. It’s a choice, both for you and for me.

If you want to check it daily, that’s fine – that’s your choice, and I have to be fine with that. Likewise, if I don’t want to check it at all, that’s my choice, and you have to be fine with that. Liking or following, either in response or under feelings of obligation, is a choice.

In essence, it’s switching to a conscious use of the platforms that will significantly help to improve our online relationships – both with others and with ourselves.

My new approach to using social media

Finally we arrive at my new approach to social media.

In short, I plan to primarily only post. To share updates on my life and give people the option to stay in touch with me, just like I have the option to stay in touch with them. At the very least it will give everyone the chance to see what I’ve been up to.

I’ll be using social media as a personal traffic source for this website and blog, where I’ll be sharing much longer, detailed updates on whatever I like, mostly on my thoughts and perspectives on specific things.

I will not be reciprocating follows or likes for the sake of it. If I follow you back, it’s because either 1) I know you or 2) I want to get to know you. If I like your post, it’s because I genuinely liked it and want to show that. It may sound like I’m overthinking or overanalysing how it works, but that’s how my mind works, and how I approach things.

I do not like the game of social media, and I intend to not play it in the mainstream way. I’ll be using it how I want to use it, not how the masses use it.

And while I still feel like I have a moral high ground here, at least to begin with, it’s a step in the right direction towards self-acceptance and a healthier view of others. It’s likely that I will eventually start checking feeds and timelines, which makes me no better than everyone else – and that’s a good thing. The difference here is I’ll try to do so consciously, in a controlled way, for limited bursts of time.

I do not know the % split of posting to consuming, but I imagine at least 90% posting.

I want to briefly touch on the point of interaction and engagement on social media. I fully understand that by me not engaging with people’s posts, it’s likely they will not engage with mine. And I’m ok with that, that’s not the reason I’m rejoining social media. That’s how some people play the game, but it’s not a game I’ll be playing, so it doesn’t matter to me.

I plan to disable notifications and like counters for the relevant social media apps, and will usually only be checking when I plan on posting. That being said, if I notice someone liking/commenting on a lot of my posts, I will likely feel inclined to check out their profile and see how they’re doing. As such, I believe my approach to receiving repeat likes/comments will be an invitation to (re)connect with that person, and I’ll likely reach out to them via message.

So yeah, that’s that. Right, onto the platforms.

The platforms I intend to use, and how I intend to use them

I feel to use all social media platforms would be a mistake.

As such, I’m choosing specific platforms that I feel I align most with and that cover the different aspects I want to be covered.

So, those platforms are:

• Instagram
• Twitter
• LinkedIn
• YouTube

Instagram

My intention with Instagram is to share visual updates and capture moments. I’ll be able to create a visual timeline. I’m a very creative and visual person, and I feel Instagram is the best place for still images. It will also encourage me to take more photos which is only a good thing.

One challenge with Instagram, in particular, that I’ll face is feelings of vulnerability and putting my life out there to be ‘judged’. As a self-conscious person, this will be difficult. But I’m working on building non-neediness through vulnerability, as shared by Mark Manson in Models. And it’ll be useful to learn that people really don’t care that much about how you look or the quality of your photos. My face is my face, and there isn’t much I can do to change that. Best to accept it and move on.

Twitter

The aim with Twitter is to share quick updates, promote new blog posts or videos, share things I’m thinking about, start a discussion, and anything more focused on the written word. If I ever have anything important to share such as life updates or the like, Twitter will probably be the place where I do so.

LinkedIn

This is likely the platform I’ll use the least. Here I’ll be sharing medium-length advice posts that relate to blog articles, using those posts to drive traffic and build business connections. No promises on posting here; I think I’ll ignore it to begin with and pick it up if I feel it has value or if I want to.

YouTube

I love video as a medium. In particular, long-form video. Short-form videos and the TikTok / YT Shorts approach both annoy me. It encourages addictive behaviours and I believe causes shorter attention spans. It trains you towards instant gratification and away from the value of longer pursuits. It’s so easy to get lost in the infinite scrolling of 6-second videos – and before you know it you’ve lost 2 hours. And so while I recognise short-form video as an extremely attractive medium and a great way to grow, I will be avoiding it. It’s a dangerous hole that I do not want to help dig.

So, my focus for video will be on longer content, shared on YouTube. In fact, as part of my rejoining of social media, I’ve posted a video on The Daily Dolphin – a drawing challenge I attempted.

My degree was in Media Production and my skillset is a really good match for creating content in video form. However, I often struggle to create videos, either due to a desire for perfection, overwhelm, or the perceived effort required.

As such, videos posted on my YouTube will be infrequent, but when they are posted, I plan for them to be on detailed topics that I feel are worth exploring visually and auditorially. You can only get so much from writing, and while it’s a medium I enjoy a lot and will most often be sharing in, it will never be as effective as video at clearly communicating a message.

All social media that I use can be found in my Linktree.

Summary

This piece took over 2 and a half hours, I kid you not. I really did not expect this post to get so long, but there you are. It’s a useful thing to share, and if anything is good for me to get my thoughts out and form the basis for a fresh start.

Let me try and wrap up everything above for those that didn’t want to read it all, or for those that did and lost track of all the different things I talked about (for which I do not blame you).

I stopped using social media in mid-2019 for a number of reasons, mostly as part of my own self-improvement journey. It allowed me to detach and focus on myself. It gave me the opportunity to develop myself, which then turned into a crutch and point of pride that I didn’t want to let go of. I now realise this and am working towards changing it.

I’ll now be using social media again, but not in the same way as before. It will be much more conscious and intentional. I’ll be mostly sharing rather than consuming. Part of the reason for this is to build an online presence and to allow people the choice to stay updated with my life, as well as allowing me to connect with new people and old friends.

I’ve deliberately chosen platforms for specific reasons and will only be using those platforms.

Funny thing to have summed up all that writing in under 3 paragraphs, but hey, that’s tangents and introspection for ya.

I’m not sure about the practicalities behind my social media posting just yet. I imagine it will be irregular, posting on my own schedule when I want (you know, how normal people do it). I think I’ll do a bit of catching up on Instagram to build out a profile and go from there.

So yeah, that’s it for now, thanks for reading. You can find all my socials in the navbar or in my Linktree here. I’d appreciate a follow as I’m starting again with entirely new, fresh accounts. And who knows, maybe I’ll follow you back 😉

Until next time, peace out.

James