As explored in a previous post, porn relapse is more often than not caused by specific relapse triggers. What this means for us, the men overcoming a pornography addiction, is that there is a way to prevent a porn relapse. We do this through removing or changing the triggers that we previously identified.
If you haven’t read the previous post, What triggers a porn relapse? How to identify your common porn relapse triggers, then I highly recommend reading that first for context. At the very least, follow the action steps at the end, as they are needed for this post. For the remainder of this post, I’ll be assuming that you have read that post.
So, you’ve identified your porn relapse triggers. Good job, you’re halfway there to changing or removing them! What happens next?
Removing your triggers
Begin by thinking about how you could remove these triggers. That seems obvious, but let me explain. We’re going to approach this like a Stoic, and focus only on the things within our control – as they are the only things we can control. You can’t remove a trigger if you don’t have control over when it happens.
Take Action – Less than 5 minutes
The first step here is to separate your existing triggers, that you’ve previously identified, into two categories: within your control, and outside your control. Do this now in your spreadsheet from before. Or for more information, read on.
And FYI, you’ll gain the most value from this post and all future posts if you actually do the action steps.
Triggers within your control
If you’re struggling, most of the time something can be within your control. Perhaps not the trigger itself, but the situation surrounding the trigger. Here are a few examples to help you out:
Trigger – Seeing a sex scene in a film
- Is this within my control? Not entirely.
- How could I control this? I could check for sex scenes ahead of time. I could choose to not watch the film.
Trigger – Being alone and bored
- Is this within my control? Yes.
- How could I control this? Making sure I always have something to do. Spending time with other people.
Trigger – Seeing an attractive girl on social media
- Is this within my control? Yes.
- How could I control this? I could unfollow attractive girls. I could stop using social media entirely.
When you think about it, pretty much everything is within your control. Maybe not directly, but you can change how you operate and interact with the world – so you can prevent the situation in which the trigger arises from happening.
So you’ve now split your triggers into the two groups. Add two columns to your spreadsheet with the titles ‘Is this within my control’, and ‘How could I control this?’, as shown above. Then repeat the above exercise for the triggers that are within your control.
And now all you have to do is begin removing or changing those triggers by following the steps you’ve listed!
Triggers outside of your control
Next, we have the triggers that are outside of your control. As we’ve understood, you might not be able to prevent the trigger from happening, but you can prevent the situation from happening – or, at least have a plan in place to deal with the trigger when it arises.
Take a step back and look at the triggers that are outside of your control, if you have any. Think about the types of situations in which these triggers would arise. Here are a couple of examples:
Trigger – A friend telling you a sexual or arousing story or sending a sexual message (which leads to being annoyed that you’re single and eventually to relapse)
- Is this within my control? No.
- How can I control the circumstances? I could ask my friends, who I know tend to share their sexual endeavours, to not share such stories with me.
- If they ask why then simply say you’re working on yourself and hearing such stories is detrimental to your progress. Any true friend will agree to stop.
Trigger – Random sexual arousal/tension from not having masturbated in a while
- Is this within my control? No.
- How can I control the circumstances? When I feel sexual tension or arousal, I will exercise (such as do pushups) until the tension fades away. (Note: it always does.)
Honestly, it’s a lot harder to find triggers that aren’t within your control. Even the above are technically within your control because you can do something about them.
You are not an impulsive monkey
Viewing your triggers in this way, though, is helpful to understand and internalise that you are not a slave to your triggers. Triggers will happen, regardless of how much you prepare. That I can guarantee. You will feel an urge at some point, but you do not have to act – sexually – on this urge.
Once you know how you can control the circumstances for triggers that are outside of your control, you’ll learn that every relapse is a decision. Granted, it’s often much easier, in the moment, to choose relapse over strength. But once you have this knowledge and understanding, choosing strength becomes less of a challenge. Relapse becomes less likely. Becoming Triumphant becomes more of a realistic option.
So start by following the above, if you haven’t already. And you’ll be one step closer to Becoming Triumphant.
One thing that I’ve found a lot of use in, when it comes to dealing with triggers or urges that I cannot control, is using If-Then implementation plans. Essentially, it goes like this:
If situation X arises, Then I will do Y.
For example, If I have to work late and can’t get to the gym, Then I will go tomorrow morning instead.
I’ll be covering If-Then implementation plans in a lot more detail, and for NoFap specifically, in a future blog post.
Until then, Stay Triumphant.
James
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